champions league

Real Madrid Finally Overcame The World's Best Player By Building The World's Best Team

For close to a decade now, Real Madrid have been tasked with solving the most difficult problem facing any club in the whole sport: What do we do about Lionel Messi?

Karim Benzema's Houdini Act All But Destroys Atlético Madrid's Comeback Dreams

Atlético Madrid had a mountain to climb in order to get back into their Champions League semifinal tie against Real Madrid after losing the first leg 3-0, and it looked for a minute that they just might do it. Atleti jumped out to a 2-0 lead just 16 minutes into the match, needing just one more goal to at least force…

Cristiano Ronaldo Gutted Atlético Madrid

Cristiano Ronaldo has a penchant for doing only two or three things in any given game, but those two or three things usually end up being the most important things. That’s exactly what happened today, when Ronaldo scored a hat trick today against Atlético Madrid. His second was the prettiest, when he stared down an…

May The Soccer Gods Bless Atlético Madrid, Who Deserve To Win The Champions League

O ye mighty Soccer Gods, how blessed are we, the fans of the sport you so nobly watch over! You’ve given us over a decade of The One, your favorite son, the one and only Lionel Messi, and we have praised you for it! In recent times, you saw fit to grant us arguably the greatest team feat of all time, guiding poor,…

Madrid Derby Is The Highlight Of The Champions League Semifinal Draw

Another Madrid Derby in the Champions League had to happen sooner or later. And after two UCL finals in three years between Atlético Madrid and Real Madrid, it’s a nice change of pace to see the city rivals clash in the semifinal this time. Here’s the semifinal draw in it’s entirety:

Messi Eats Shit

Look at this jerk who hurt Messi.

Referee Blunders Spur On Real Madrid's Murdalization Of Bayern Munich

Real Madrid scored three goals in about 10 rampaging minutes of extra time against 10-man Bayern Munich in the Champions League quarterfinals to win 4-2, and advance to the semifinals, 6-3 on aggregate. And while Bayern blew it and Real made the plays they needed to win it, it’s hard not to come away from the match…

German Investigators: "Significant Doubt" That Radical Islamists Responsible For Borussia Dortmund Bombing

Investigators in Germany are saying that this week’s bombing of a Borussia Dortmund team bus was likely not the work of radical Islamists, and letters found at the scene hinting at such motivation were likely “an attempt to trick people into thinking there was an Islamist motive,” per the BBC.

Sergio Ramos Orchestrates Nearly Perfect Set Piece With Just A Few Nods Of His Head

We’ve previously extolled the virtues of Real Madrid’s header-scoring genius, Sergio Ramos, and our appreciation for this set piece savant has only grown after seeing the following video. Watching Ramos’s mind work in realtime—as he interprets the situation, visualizes the best outcome, then effectuates his plan by…

Cristiano Ronaldo Is Old And Slow And Still The Best

Because of the enduring nature of athletic greatness, it’s often difficult to notice in real time the inevitable fall as the best players slip from amazing to very good to eventually old and bad. The greatest players are great for so long, then begin to peter off so subtlety before the inexorable effects of age eat…

Dortmund Fans Gladly Host Traveling Monaco Fans After Champions League Game Delayed By Explosions

Dortmund’s Champions League quarterfinal match against Monaco this afternoon was canceled after their team bus was hit by three explosions on its way to the stadium. According to the latest out of Dortmund, Marc Bartra had to undergo surgery for a broken wrist and officials are working to verify the authenticity of a…

Barcelona Are In Trouble Yet Again After Getting Destroyed By Paulo Dybala And Juventus

Led by Paulo Dybala’s brilliant first-half brace, Juventus crushed Barcelona 3-0 in the first leg of the Champions League quarterfinal in Turin. Fresh off a wild comeback against Paris Saint Germain, the Catalan side will now have to clamber out of yet another steep goal deficit if they want to move on to the…

This Champions League Quarterfinal Draw Is So Good

There are only eight teams left standing in the Champions League. This is the stage of the tournament where Europe’s biggest and best clubs (and Leicester City) will battle for ultimate supremacy. And quite the fascinating battle it will be, because the draw is fantastic:

Manchester City Knocked Out Of Champions League; Leicester Last English Team Standing

The Foxes were the best English team in the Premier League last year, and apparently they’re the best English team in the Champions League this season. With Manchester City’s 3-1 loss to Monaco today, Leicester fucking City are the final representatives in Europe’s top competition from the Best League in the World™.

Leicester City's Champions League Dream Survives Another Round

That’s Wes Morgan up there leaning into his “Captain Morgan” nickname, peering through a mimed telescope after scoring Leicester City’s opening goal against Sevilla and seeing that indeed, his rowdy bunch of scalawags were right on course to make it to the Champions League quarterfinals.

PSG Pooped All Over Themselves Against Barcelona

Yes, Barcelona beat Paris Saint-Germain. It was unthinkable and amazing and required inhuman levels of self-confidence and Barça deserve lots of credit. But still. PSG. For the love of god, how do you lose that game?

Barcelona's Comeback-Sealing Goal, As Heard Around The World

It’s been nearly an entire day and it’s still hard to believe that what happened yesterday actually happened. (Six to one!!!!!!) Relive some of the insanity of the Sergi Roberto goal that capped off Barcelona’s incredible Champions League comeback against Paris Saint-Germain with calls of the moment from across the…

Barcelona Knew They Could Do The Impossible

The most revelatory story that emerged before today’s Barcelona-PSG Champions League rematch was a funny little nugget about Barcelona’s outsized confidence in their impending victory.

American Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Stomped All Over Benfica

Borussia Dortmund lost 1-0 to Benfica in Lisbon, Portugal two weeks ago, necessitating a strong performance today in the second leg of their Round of 16 Champions League tie to advance. They needn’t worry, because the wonderteen was there.

Barcelona Pull Off Greatest Champions League Comeback In History, Beat PSG 6-1

This truly is one of the craziest things that has ever happened in sports.

Arsenal's Champions League Comeback Fantasy Ruined By Penalty And Red Card

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. Despite putting together a lively first-half display, the last vestiges of what little hope Arsenal had of beating Bayern Munich by a huge margin died in this sequence of events early in the second half:

Man, Cristiano Ronaldo Really Blew This One

Okay, okay, this isn’t quite a gimme goal here that Cristiano Ronaldo just missed. The angle was tough, and he had a lot to focus on with the keeper and defender right on top of him. Still, it was an open net, it would’ve been a hugely important goal in this second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League tie against…

Once Again, Atlético Madrid Are All In On Winning The Champions League

Since Diego Simeone took over Atlético Madrid half a decade ago, Madrid’s other club has morphed into a juggernaut of sorts. La Liga has always been a comically imbalanced league, but Atléti spoiled Barcelona and Real Madrid’s party in 2013-14 and became the first “other” team to win the league in a decade. Their…

Atlético Madrid's Saúl Scores A Banger Against Bayer Leverkusen

Saúl must have something against German teams. A year after ripping apart Bayern Munich with the run of his life, the Atlético midfielder thumped in a beautiful curler against Bayer Leverkusen today:

Alexis Sánchez Does Two Bad Things, Saves Self By Doing Good Thing

Arsenal’s Alexis Sánchez had a chance to level up the game against Bayern Munich with a penalty. He took a bad one, and it was saved. Oops! Thankfully, the ball bounced kindly into his path for an easy rebound. Only he botched that with a whiffed shot. Oops again! The soccer gods smiled on Alexis, though, and gave the…

Arjen Robben Teaches Arsenal Why You Can't Let Him Cut In On His Left Foot

Yes, everyone knows it’s coming. And everyone also knows that the whole point is that even though everyone knows it’s coming, it’s still impossible to stop. And yet it remains hard to watch a team allow Arjen Robben to get onto his left foot and do what he always does, as he’s just done to Arsenal:

Ángel Di María And PSG Kick Barcelona's Dicks Clean Off

For years Paris Saint-Germain have spared no expense in their efforts to realize their dream of winning the Champions League. For years they’ve failed, putting out attack-minded teams that crush domestic foes in Ligue 1 but consistently come up short in the competition they really want to win. And while this was just…