Walk: A Message To The Class Of 2017

It’s grad season again, and this year’s crop of commencement addresses promises to ring even more hollow than usual now that graduating seniors are leaving school to step into the End Times. I mean, really: what fucking good is gonna come from you hearing about working hard and/or growing from your mistakes when the…

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Should You Ever Feel Sorry For D.C. Sports Teams?

This was a normal spring for D.C. sports teams, with the Capitals choking away a 1-seed and the Wizards serving as early-round filler for the Eastern Conference. No D.C. sports team has made the conference/league finals in nearly two decades, and no D.C. team has won a title since 1991. But should the rest of the…

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Racist Boston Sports Fans Are Very Much A Boston Problem

By now, you know that Adam Jones was subjected to racial taunts at Fenway Park earlier this week. I honestly thought this was a fairly open-and-shut, easily-condemned case of fan misconduct. But ohhhhhhhh, oh how I was mistaken. Dear reader, you should never, EVER underestimate the hilarious defensiveness of Boston…

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No ESPN Isn’t Losing Money Because It’s Liberal You Clueless Morons

ESPN is still going through the worst round of public layoffs in its history, and while the reasons why the company is firing everyone are plainly evident, there are still people out there ascribing the channel’s struggles to its political leanings (which frankly, don’t even exist), and basking in its potential…

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Polish Sausage Vs. Italian Sausage … WHO YA GOT?!

This week’s Deadcast focuses on a number of topics, including the Mike and the Mad Dog 9/11 transcripts, the Aaron Hernandez suicide, and other instances where the sports-take machinery fully breaks down in the wake of real-world tragedy. But that’s not what you came here for now, is it? No, no … you came here…

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Mike Pence Is A Fucking Joke

Say hello to our Elderly Lego Man Vice President, wearing his varsity Vice Presidenting jacket and standing, with an intensity reserved almost exclusively for constipation sufferers, near the Demilitarized Zone separating North and South Korea. Supposedly, Pence wasn’t meant to go outside during his visit to the DMZ,…

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The Time Has Come For The Americans' Philip Jennings To Defect 

I like watching The Americans because I like watching two characters who are, without question, worse parents that I am. As much as I fuck up, I will never have to shield my kids from the fact that I have slaughtered dozens of innocent people, and I will not then attempt to indoctrinate the oldest one into my…

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Adrian Peterson Is In Exile

Two weeks ago, when the Minnesota Vikings signed free agent back Latavius Murray, general manager and honorary third Bayless brother Rick Spielman said publicly that the signing meant that Adrian Peterson will not be back with the team next season. Since then, Peterson has languished in free agency, purporting to be…

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The Las Vegas Raiders Are Screwed

The Raiders are moving to Vegas and are getting the most expensive stadium in history out of it in the process, but who exactly in gonna visit this monstrosity, especially on a Sunday, with no gambling allowed inside the joint? And how is this all a poorly veiled scheme to help enrich Jerry Jones? That, my friends, is…

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The Deadcast Is Returning

Hey you! Do you like awful takes? Do you like awkward pauses? Do you like hearing two people agree on topics because they didn’t put enough planning into preproduction? Do you like the sounds of dogs barking in the background? Well, do I have good news for you: The Deadcast is BACK. I think. I mean, it could all fall…

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Panels Are Shit

South by Southwest is going on in Austin this week and if you’ve ever been to that thing, you know that it started out as a music festival before BIG LANYARD got its paws on it and turned it into an event where brands jizz all over themselves and do NOT keep Austin weird. Since the festival’s inception in 1987, SXSW…

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The 2017 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars

Oh God, it’s Oscar time again. Just what I needed in the middle of the fucking apocalypse. Donald Trump is President. Russia has hacked all of our phones and is actively watching us masturbate. And every public school is going to teach your kids that gay people come from the fucking moon. These are shitty, horrible…

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