Ross Barkley's Standoff With Everton Makes No Sense

On paper, Ross Barkley and Everton should be the perfect marriage of player and club. On one side you have a young player who drips with talent and potential playing for an ambitious, relatively big club that offers him all the minutes and patience and care he could ask for in hopes that he reaches his sky-high…

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A Brief History Of David Beckham's Futile Attempts To Build An MLS Stadium In Miami

Miami has not had an MLS team since the Miami Fusion closed down in 2001. A joint bid between Barcelona and Bolivian billionaire Marcelo Claure failed in 2009, and the league stayed out of Florida until Orlando SC entered the league in 2015. Five years ago, MLS czar Don Garber first broached the idea of plopping an…

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Harry Kane Is Very Greedy And Very Good

Harry Kane scored four goals in Tottenham’s 6-1 dismantling of Leicester today, moving two goals ahead of Everton’s Romelu Lukaku to take the spot as the league’s top scorer. The first goal came in the 25th minute when Son Heung-Min laid off the ball to the streaking Kane, who hammered it home. The second, a cleanup…

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Karim Benzema Blasts Mathieu Valbuena Over Sex Tape Scandal: "He Invented It All"

Hey, remember that time Real Madrid star, France international, and one-time Rihanna canoodler Karim Benzema was arrested and charged with aiding a blackmail plot against fellow France international Mathieu Valbuena in relation to a possibly made-up sex tape? You do? Yeah, it’s kind of a hard one to forget.

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Ezequiel Lavezzi Adds To List Of Questionable Photo Poses With Slant-Eye Portrait

Ezequiel Lavezzi, currently making ungodly sums of money playing in China, has a history of revealing too much of himself in photos. He has posed with his butt cheeks out. He has posed with a naked vagina. Adding to the collection is this photo, in which he bares his racial insensitivity for all to see:

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Cesc Fàbregas On Chelsea Winning EPL Title: "Football Is Fucking Unbelievable"

For the second consecutive season, Chelsea scored the goal that determined the winner of the Premier League. Last year, it was Eden Hazard getting one against Tottenham to crown Leicester City champions. This time, Chelsea made themselves champions thanks to Michy Batshuayi’s late goal against West Brom.

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Goalie Momentarily Forgets Where He Is, Concedes Very Dumb Goal

Soccer is hard. There are so many other people on the field; teammates, referees, opponents, occasionally the odd dog. One can be forgiven for the occasional lapse. However, this howler from Ottawa Fury FC goalkeeper Callum Irving is a transcendent fuckup.

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FIFA Did A Bunch Of Shady Shit This Week

There is a lot of corruption going on in the world, but not at FIFA, no siree. Since numerous top officials were arrested two years ago, and longtime president Sepp Blatter was ousted and replaced by the much chiller Gianni Infantino, one might assume that FIFA now takes corruption and ethics seriously and that things…

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Karim Benzema's Houdini Act All But Destroys Atlético Madrid's Comeback Dreams

Atlético Madrid had a mountain to climb in order to get back into their Champions League semifinal tie against Real Madrid after losing the first leg 3-0, and it looked for a minute that they just might do it. Atleti jumped out to a 2-0 lead just 16 minutes into the match, needing just one more goal to at least force…

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Referee Barfs, Receives Red Card

Overcome by some kind of stomach bug, or maybe, as the wonderful Scottish commentator supposes, so offended by the poor quality of this weekend’s Dundee-Kilmarnock match, line judge Andrew McWilliam couldn’t resist the urge to puke, and began blowing chunks out there on the pitch. The head ref took the opportunity to…

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Woman Who Doesn’t Know Who Won Most Recent Women’s World Cup Elected To FIFA Council

Mahfuza Akhter Kiron of Bangladesh was elected to FIFA’s Asian Football Council today, occupying one of six places on the council that are specifically reserved for a woman. She defeated Australia’s Moya Dodd, an outspoken advocate of including more women in soccer’s governing bodies, 27 votes to 17.

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FIFA's Four-Match Suspension Of Lionel Messi Overturned On Appeal

A little over a month ago, some snitches in the Chile soccer federation ratted out Lionel Messi for saying some mildly harsh words to a referee after an international match. FIFA suspended Messi for four matches in response, endangering Argentina’s chances to qualify for the World Cup and threatening to deprive all…

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José Mourinho Needs To Win The Europa League He Once Disdained 

José Mourinho, the manager who just a few seasons ago said, “I don’t want to win the Europa League. It would be a big disappointment for me. I don’t want my players to feel the Europa League is our competition,” is now desperate to win the Europa League. And after today’s 1-0 first-leg semifinal win over Celta Vigo,…

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Cristiano Ronaldo Gutted Atlético Madrid

Cristiano Ronaldo has a penchant for doing only two or three things in any given game, but those two or three things usually end up being the most important things. That’s exactly what happened today, when Ronaldo scored a hat trick today against Atlético Madrid. His second was the prettiest, when he stared down an…

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May The Soccer Gods Bless Atlético Madrid, Who Deserve To Win The Champions League

O ye mighty Soccer Gods, how blessed are we, the fans of the sport you so nobly watch over! You’ve given us over a decade of The One, your favorite son, the one and only Lionel Messi, and we have praised you for it! In recent times, you saw fit to grant us arguably the greatest team feat of all time, guiding poor,…

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Cesc Fàbregas Really Does Have Eyes In The Back Of His Head

If you’ve ever wondered how the world’s most spatially aware players always seem to know exactly where everyone is on the pitch at all times, then this video of Cesc Fàbregas and his rubber neck should go a long way towards explaining that yes, these guys truly can see everything at all times:

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Happiness Is Watching Mario Balotelli Drive PSG Insane

Mario Balotelli’s Nice hosted Paris Saint-Germain this weekend in what was a hugely important match in the Ligue 1 title race. Nice did what they’ve done all year and upset the odds by whooping up on PSG by a score of 3-1, and Balotelli scored a pretty goal to kick off the beatdown. By the end of the match, PSG were…

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44-Year-Old Goalkeeper Scores Wild Header To Tie Match In Final Minute  

The niftiest goal of the weekend comes from Oscar Pérez, the 44-year-old goalkeeper of Liga MX’s Pachuca. With the club down by one in the final minute of stoppage time against Cruz Azul, it opted for all hands on deck for a corner kick and brought its keeper into the box. The decision worked, as Pérez lived up to his…

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FIFA Anti-Corruption Committee Member Admits To Taking Nearly $1 Million In Bribes

Richard Lai, the president of the Guam Football Association and a member of FIFA’s corruption-fighting audit and compliance committee, pleaded guilty yesterday in U.S. federal court to fraud charges arising from his admission to taking almost $1 million in bribes. Lest you were wondering if FIFA is still FIFA.

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Beach Soccer Looks Exhausting 

Walking in soft sand is tiring; running in sand is positively exhausting. Playing soccer in sand is fun for about 10 minutes until your legs are burning and you’re drenched in sweat and you need to go dunk yourself in the ocean before you suffer a heat stroke. Watching beach soccer, though, is fantastic—and if you’re…

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UK Tax Authorities Raid West Ham And Newcastle 

Newcastle’s addiction to buying French players has finally caught up with the club. DeAndre Yedlin’s soon-to-be promoted club and Premier League club West Ham are both the subject of an investigation by the HM Revenue and Customs office, the UK’s tax authority, for alleged tax fraud. Newcastle boss Rafa Benitez

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Report: Text Messages Show Cristiano Ronaldo Knew About Settlement For Rape Allegation

A couple weeks ago, German paper Der Spiegel released a report that claimed Cristiano Ronaldo had settled out of court with an American woman who alleged he raped her in 2009. Ronaldo’s camp issued a strong denunciation of the report, calling it “journalistic fiction” and denying any ties between the settlement…

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Dortmund's Other Teenage Star Slams The Door On Bayern Munich To Reach German Cup Final

With Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund tied 2-2 late in their German Cup semifinal match, Dortmund’s teenage star (no, not that one) blasted the game-winning goal from behind a screen of defenders. Ousmane Dembele’s late winner sent his club to their fourth consecutive German Cup final, leaving Germany’s greatest…

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