Sadio Mané Steamrolled Tottenham All By Himself

Lately, the soccer-watching world has been in the midst of a (quite understandable) inquest into the mysterious affliction affecting Liverpool in 2017. It seemed like once the calendar switched, the club that had most convincingly staked its claim as the Premier League’s second-best team this season, the one with the…

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Italian Guy Tries To Scheme His Way Into Hospital To Watch Soccer Game From Window, Fails

Most of the time when someone pretends to be sick so as to gain admission to a hospital, it’s to finagle their way into a prescription for drugs to slake an addiction. Yesterday, one Italian man tried something similar, though his addiction is to soccer and his satisfaction could be found right there outside the…

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Hometown Kid Jesé Introduces Himself To Las Palmas Fans With An Awful Miss

In the 67th minute of Monday’s Granada-Las Palmas La Liga match, PSG loanee Jesé stepped onto the pitch for the first time with his new club Las Palmas. That moment was the culmination of Jesé’s life journey so far, one that started in the city of Las Palmas, went through Madrid, took a short detour in Paris, and now…

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Elderly Giant Peter Crouch Is Still Scoring Goals And Dancing Like A Lovable Goof

Of all the soccer players even non-obsessives can most likely recognize, Peter Crouch is probably the oddest. He was never a truly great player, and never really all that popular or famous, either. For most of you who know Peter Crouch, it’s because of two of his immutable attributes: 1) that he’s English, and by dint…

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Sacramento's MLS Expansion Bid Is A Fiasco

Sacramento was one of 12 cities to submit a formal application for an MLS expansion team yesterday, but they did so under mysterious circumstances. The city’s highly successful USL Pro side Sacramento Republic FC was suspiciously absent from the bid, which was handed in by a former Kevin Johnson PR stooge. As of last…

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This Terrible Jack Rodwell Tackle Is Why English Soccer Is Wonderfully Stupid

Just look at this shit. A beautiful touch by Tottenham’s Mousa Dembélé to slice through Sunderland’s midfield. A completely hopeless and reckless leg-smasher of a tackle by Jack Rodwell in response to Dembélé’s skill. And somehow, despite standing three feet away with a perfect view of the clattering, a referee who…

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Sacramento's MLS Bid Possibly Derailed By Last-Second Ownership Coup

Of the 12 cities that formally applied to be part of the next round of MLS expansion today, Sacramento has perhaps the strongest case. Or at least they did, until its team’s owner made a bid that possibly excluded the city’s highly successful team.

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Apparently Nobody Wants To Make It Hard For Chelsea To Win The Premier League

Chelsea came into today’s huge match against Liverpool atop the Premier League with an eight-point lead in the table that seemed right on the cusp of insurmountability. A loss away at Liverpool, once perceived to be Chelsea’s strongest rivals for the title, was probably the only thing that could truly make the chase…

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David Luiz Definitely Stole This Free Kick And It Was Genius

My first thought after seeing the ball fly into Liverpool’s completely undefended net after a set piece was Holy shit, what just happened? My next was Oh wow, what a great psych-out free kick routine by Chelsea there! It was only upon my third thought that the true magnitude of the situation’s brilliance dawned on me:

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The USMNT Has A New Coach And The Same Old Problem

It doesn’t make much sense to draw sweeping conclusions about the direction of the USMNT after yesterday’s U.S. vs. Serbia match, and it wouldn’t no matter what the result was. Despite being Bruce Arena’s re-debut at the start of his second spell as USMNT manager as he ushers the team into its post-Klinsmann era and…

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Spurs Almost Lose To Fourth Division Wycombe Wanderers

Tottenham Hotspur avoided embarrassment by only the tiniest of margins in the FA Cup today, trailing the fourth-division Wycombe Wanderers for most of the day before escaping with the late win. Down 2-0 at halftime to the League 2 team and tied 3-3 as they went into stoppage time, a final goal from Heung-min Son in…

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English Soccer Team Produces Best, Dumbest Highlight Video For Canceled Game

Greenwich Borough FC are a tiny club that play in the Isthmian League’s Division One South. That’s the eighth division of English soccer and it’s mostly made up of semi-pro sides in London and southeast England. They played Hanwell Town yesterday, but the game was abandoned after 15 minutes due to a frozen pitch.

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Granit Xhaka Interviewed By Police After Allegedly Calling Airport Worker A "Fucking White Bitch"

Arsenal midfielder Granit Xhaka was in London’s Heathrow Airport yesterday to see off his girlfriend’s brother on a flight to Germany. Things didn’t go as planned, though, and when the brother learned that he would miss his flight, Xhaka allegedly blew up on an employee of the airport, calling the woman “a fucking…

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Manchester City Might Be Too Good To Become Great

That was more like it. Sure, Manchester City’s 2-2 draw against Tottenham on Saturday was on one hand frustratingly disappointing, seeing as the Citizens completely dominated Spurs and, barring some poor finishing, even worse refereeing, and a couple ill-timed defensive lapses, could’ve and should’ve been an easy City…

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Ryan Mason Stable And Speaking After Breaking His Skull Going Up For A Header

Just 13 minutes into Hull City’s Premier League match against Chelsea yesterday, Hull midfielder Ryan Mason went up for a header in the box. Chelsea defender Gary Cahill rushed to intercept the ball, but instead, he smashed into Mason’s head, immediately sending him to the ground.

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Borussia Dortmund Will Soon Be So Damn Good

In what has been a pretty tame January transfer window—unless Manchester United discarding spare parts gets you excited—Borussia Dortmund made perhaps the biggest splash today when they signed 17-year-old Swedish phenom Alexander Isak, along with extending the contract of the world’s future best player, Christian…

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