soccer – Page 502

Premier League Owners Ask For Post-Brexit Protection For Player Immigration

English Premier League club owners are requesting that the government work to ensure that their teams are not put at a competitive disadvantage with the country’s upcoming departure from the European Union.

Reporter Embarrasses Himself And America At Bastian Schweinsteiger Press Conference

As an American soccer fan, this video of an oblivious reporter quite confidently asking Bastian Schweinsteiger, new to MLS’s Chicago Fire, whether Chicago can be expected to win the goddamn World Cup is almost too painful to sit through.

Sculptor Of Cristiano Ronaldo Bust: I, Like Jesus, Can't Please Everyone

If art is supposed to be provocative, to generate questions and discussion and interest, then the bust of Cristiano Ronaldo unveiled outside the airport now named after him was a rousing success, even if it completely failed as an accurate representation of what Ronaldo actually looks like. You know who else was…

Messi Says He Didn't Direct Insult At The Referee, But "At The Air"

The best player in the world and slight potty mouth Lionel Messi is appealing the four-match ban that was handed down by FIFA yesterday after he yelled at a referee in Argentina’s 1-0 World Cup qualifier win over Chile last week. Messi says he didn’t direct his insult, “la concha de tu madre,” a common Argentinean…

If You Want A Slow-Motion Replay Of Séamus Coleman's Leg Snapping, Here It Is

The director in charge of the Ireland-Wales match last Friday decided against showing a replay of Neil Taylor’s nasty challenge that wound up snapping Séamus Coleman’s leg, and for good reason. Now that we do have access to the slow-motion replay, we wish we never had seen the injury in such terrible detail:

Cristiano Ronaldo Honored With Hideous Bust That May Be Imbued With Dark Magic

The eyes! For the love of god, do not look into the eyes!

It Wasn't Pretty, But The USMNT Did What They Needed To Do

A full, complete highlight reel from the USMNT’s 1-1 draw with Panama this evening is as follows:

Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Undresses A Pair Of Defenders, Serves Up Opening Goal

This evening’s USMNT-Panama match was soggy, goalless, and uneventful for the first 39 minutes, until America’s greatest teenager, Christian Pulisic, owned a pair of experienced Panamanian defenders and put an easy assist on a platter for Clint Dempsey. Felipe Baliy and Roman Torres are two of Panama’s best players,…

Bruce Arena Has Some Dumb Ideas About Who Created Christian Pulisic

Jurgen Klinsmann was an arrogant jerk with a penchant for demoralizing his players and pissing off powerful executives in the American soccer scene with his lofty ideas about how to shake up American soccer as it has been—a culture that consistently puts out a motley crew of under-talented overachievers who might have…

Alexis Sánchez Steps Up And Bashes In A Perfect Free Kick

Chile need to beat Venezuela today to keep pace in CONMEBOL’s final 2018 World Cup qualifying round and they got off to a perfect start this afternoon, scoring three times in the first 22 minutes. Alexis Sánchez hadn’t had a great weekend leading up to the game (he got popped for a speeding ticket) but he erased…

FIFA Suspends Lionel Messi Four Matches For Yelling At Referee

FIFA handed Lionel Messi a four-match suspension from international play today in response to an incident after last week’s Argentina-Chile match when Messi was seen insulting a referee. With only five matches left in a World Cup Qualifying process in which Argentina have struggled, there is a very real possibility…

Alexis Sanchez Looks Like An Adorable Little Baby In His License Photo

Over the weekend, two days after Chile’s 1-0 World Cup qualifier loss to Argentina and three days before their must-win qualifier against Venezuela, star striker Alexis Sanchez was fined for driving 96 mph (155 kph) near Santiago, Chile, according to Chilean website EMOL. His court date has reportedly been set for…

Fearless Goalkeeper Stares Down Four-On-One Attack, Comes Up With Heroic Save

Argentine club Belgrano’s keeper probably should’ve been terrified with four River Plate players bearing down on him with no help in sight, but instead he went all “NAH FUCK THAT” and stood up brave and tall and psyched out the attackers, somehow saving a goal and earning the glory.

The Christian Pulisic Era Has Officially Begun

If there was a single aspect of the USMNT’s exhilarating, thoroughly commanding 6-0 crushing of Honduras in last Friday’s critical World Cup qualifier that was less than perfect, it was at least one outside the purview of everyone involved.

Albania Rebukes Fans For Throwing Flares And Smoke Bombs During Match Against Italy

The Albanian soccer federation has denounced a group of fans who threw flares and smoke bombs during yesterday’s World Cup qualifying match against Italy, suspending play for several minutes. The match was stopped for nine minutes in the second half and both teams were sent off as one end of the pitch filled with…

Five-Hole Howler For Belarusian Keeper

Sweden is having an easy time of it against Belarus—the Swedes are up 4-0, at the moment—but Belarusian keeper Andrey Gorbunov isn’t helping things. Here’s Emil Forsberg knocking one in for Sweden’s second goal of the match—also completing a brace for the Leipzig man—right through Gorbunov’s wicket.

Deuce Magic

The U.S. is currently beating Honduras 6-0 in a World Cup qualifier, and half of the goals belong to Clint Dempsey. Here’s his hat trick-clincher—and we don’t mean to slight any of the other goals, many of which were absolutely marvelous and involved Pulisic—but this is a free kick that was absolute magic.

Ireland's Seamus Coleman Gets His Leg Snapped By Welsh Defender In World Cup Qualifier

Ireland defender Seamus Coleman was stretchered off the field during a World Cup qualifying match against Wales today, after a flying tackle by Welsh defender Neil Taylor appeared to snap his leg. Taylor was immediately issued a red card.

"Footy McFooty Face" Leads Fan Vote For San Diego's Potential MLS Team Name

It’s pretty easy to come up with the kind of barfy, ahistorical team names MLS franchises love to pick, so kudos to the ownership group trying to invent a soccer team in San Diego and buy its way into the league for crowdsourcing a little more imagination. Though maybe “Footy McFooty Face” wasn’t quite what they…

Colombia Beat Bolivia 1-0, And We Got Another Heavy Metal ¡GOL!

Colombian soccer announcer Javier Fernández is the world’s greatest sports broadcaster. Here’s James knocking in a penalty rebound for his side’s only goal in Colombia’s win over Bolivia today, as called by “El Cantante del Gol” and complete with the traditional heavy metal goal music.

Over 1,000 Kilos Of Cocaine Hidden In Boxes Labeled With Lionel Messi's Face

The above picture depicts some of the hundreds of cases ostensibly filled with tasty squid filets seized by Peruvian authorities yesterday. On the outside of these boxes are labels upon which the image of Barcelona star Lionel Messi, his name, and his brand logo are printed. On the inside are bricks of cocaine.

Lukas Podolski's Last Goal For Germany Was A Poetic Banger

In Lukas Podolski’s last appearance for Germany’s national team, the former Arsenal man, corner kick extraordinaire, and guy known for absolutely crushing the ball, launched a rocket into the top right corner in the 69th minute to beat England 1-0 in the friendly. It was the perfect final goal for the 31-year-old…

Soccer Player Who Thanked Both Wife And Girlfriend After Game Digs Hole Deeper

South African Premier League player Mohammed Anas told on himself last week, when he thanked his wife and his girlfriend in a postgame interview. He has since tried to explain himself, and he didn’t do a very good job.

Brazilian Soccer Guy Who Had His Girlfriend Killed And Fed To Dogs: "What Happened Happened"

Goalkeeper Bruno de Souza was recently signed by Boa Esporte upon his release from prison after serving about seven years of a 22-year sentence for plotting to kill his ex-girlfriend. At Bruno’s behest, the woman was tortured, killed, and her body fed to Bruno’s dogs to hide the evidence. In Bruno’s first public…

Wayne Rooney's Potential Return To Everton Actually Makes Lots Of Sense

It’s long felt inevitable that one of these days Everton’s prodigal son Wayne Rooney would return home. Judging from a report in the Independent that quotes sources close to Everton and Manchester United as believing the move is “likely to happen” this summer, we might be mere months away from seeing Rooney back in…

Mario Balotelli Missed Start Of Match Because He Tied His Shoes Too Tight

Mario Balotelli’s blistering start to his career in Nice has cooled off some of late. No doubt eager to get back to scoring ways, Balotelli tied his boots nice and tight before stepping out onto the field against Nantes this weekend. Only he soon realized he’d tied them too tight and had to get a coach to undo them…

Bastian Schweinsteiger Becomes Latest Old Guy To Head For MLS

Three years ago, Bastian Schweinsteger was on top of the soccer world. He was starting for the best club and national teams in the world, winning the Champions League for Bayern Munich in 2013 and the World Cup for Germany in 2014. The do-it-all midfielder won eight Bundesliga titles with Bayern and seven DFB-Pokals,…

Spanish Soccer Dads Celebrate Father's Day By Beating Each Other Up

A game between Spanish youth sides Alaró and Collerense was interrupted and later canceled yesterday after a bunch of riled up sports parents got into a big brawl. El Confidencial reports that an Alaró player made a hard tackle, which sparked an argument. The argument then roped in a herd of overeager parents, who ran…

South African Soccer Player Accidentally Thanks Both Wife And Girlfriend In Post-Game Talk

The South African Premier League’s Mohammed Anas won Man of the Match for his two goals in yesterday’s Free State-Cape Town game. Good stuff! Except for his acceptance speech, in which he thanked both his wife and girlfriend (before backtracking to assure his wife that, really, he loves her so much!).

Soccer Guy's Arm Is All Types Of Fucked Up After Collision With Keeper

It’s No. 9 in blue, Fenerbahçe’s Fernandão, that you want to be watching here, even if both he and the keeper he ran into are writhing on the ground following their collision. It’s not exactly a gross injury, but the look of Fernandão’s arm just hanging there—it’s reportedly broken—is pretty disturbing.