screamer – Page 7

Italian Soccer Guy Scores Most Bellissimo Goal Of His Vita

Mamma mia! Here’s Perugia forward Francesco Nicastro serving up the spiciest of meatballs with this outrageous jumping, spinning, backheel volley in Italy’s Serie B:

Sadio Mané Steamrolled Tottenham All By Himself

Lately, the soccer-watching world has been in the midst of a (quite understandable) inquest into the mysterious affliction affecting Liverpool in 2017. It seemed like once the calendar switched, the club that had most convincingly staked its claim as the Premier League’s second-best team this season, the one with the…

Fernando Torres Goes Back In Time, Scores Gorgeous Overhead Goal

Atlético Madrid got an early equalizer against Celta de Vigo today when Fernando Torres tapped into his past greatness to flip an overhead strike and loft it past keeper Sergio Álvarez. Fancy! Maybe he’ll get that new contract after all.

Two Minutes After Tweeting "Game Over," Sunderland Got Scored On Again

Here is Sunderland nearing the end of today’s match against Southampton:

Finally, Someone Appears Ready To Unleash The Full Powers Of Gerard Deulofeu

It’s been an up-and-down year in an up-and-down career for the magnificently gifted, maddeningly daft, infinitely enamoring young winger Gerard Deulofeu.

Italian Guy Tries To Scheme His Way Into Hospital To Watch Soccer Game From Window, Fails

Most of the time when someone pretends to be sick so as to gain admission to a hospital, it’s to finagle their way into a prescription for drugs to slake an addiction. Yesterday, one Italian man tried something similar, though his addiction is to soccer and his satisfaction could be found right there outside the…

MLS's Simple Transfer Rules Explained In One Handy Chart

Wonder why some college soccer players are drafted into MLS while others are signed outright? Or why some players coming from overseas have their MLS destinations selected for them while others personally handpick the team they’ll play for?

American Liverpool Fan's Adam Lallama Tattoo Is Dumb And Amazing At The Same Time

Adam Lallama. Adam Lallama. A llama, with Adam Lallana’s face. I’m almost tearing up over the beauty of it all.

Hometown Kid Jesé Introduces Himself To Las Palmas Fans With An Awful Miss

In the 67th minute of Monday’s Granada-Las Palmas La Liga match, PSG loanee Jesé stepped onto the pitch for the first time with his new club Las Palmas. That moment was the culmination of Jesé’s life journey so far, one that started in the city of Las Palmas, went through Madrid, took a short detour in Paris, and now…

Romelu Lukaku Is The New King Of England

If you are a close follower of Everton or the career of the Toffees’ big striker, Romelu Lukaku, you’ve become familiar with a certain set of criticisms that often get lobbed in Lukaku’s direction: He doesn’t run enough. He needs to improve his hold-up play. He only wants to score goals.

Manchester City Supporters Praise Jesus After Stoppage-Time Goal

Manchester City pulled out a win over Swansea City after Jesus showed no mercy to keeper Łukasz Fabiański and knocked in a rebound in the 92nd minute to give the home supporters a 2-1 win to go crazy about.

Eden Hazard Makes Arsenal Look Like Children

Chelsea doubled its lead on Arsenal early in the second half as Eden Hazard wove his way past a Gunners squad apparently completely made up of the family members of neighboring Mr. Bean.

The USMNT Can Party Now

Attention, attention: The United States Men’s National Team is cool again, just in time for spring break. Bruce Arena has released the team from the authoritarian hold of Jürgen Klinsmann and he’s ready to burn this motherfucker down.

Elderly Giant Peter Crouch Is Still Scoring Goals And Dancing Like A Lovable Goof

Of all the soccer players even non-obsessives can most likely recognize, Peter Crouch is probably the oddest. He was never a truly great player, and never really all that popular or famous, either. For most of you who know Peter Crouch, it’s because of two of his immutable attributes: 1) that he’s English, and by dint…

Sacramento's MLS Expansion Bid Is A Fiasco

Sacramento was one of 12 cities to submit a formal application for an MLS expansion team yesterday, but they did so under mysterious circumstances. The city’s highly successful USL Pro side Sacramento Republic FC was suspiciously absent from the bid, which was handed in by a former Kevin Johnson PR stooge. As of last…

This Terrible Jack Rodwell Tackle Is Why English Soccer Is Wonderfully Stupid

Just look at this shit. A beautiful touch by Tottenham’s Mousa Dembélé to slice through Sunderland’s midfield. A completely hopeless and reckless leg-smasher of a tackle by Jack Rodwell in response to Dembélé’s skill. And somehow, despite standing three feet away with a perfect view of the clattering, a referee who…

Sacramento's MLS Bid Possibly Derailed By Last-Second Ownership Coup

Of the 12 cities that formally applied to be part of the next round of MLS expansion today, Sacramento has perhaps the strongest case. Or at least they did, until its team’s owner made a bid that possibly excluded the city’s highly successful team.

Apparently Nobody Wants To Make It Hard For Chelsea To Win The Premier League

Chelsea came into today’s huge match against Liverpool atop the Premier League with an eight-point lead in the table that seemed right on the cusp of insurmountability. A loss away at Liverpool, once perceived to be Chelsea’s strongest rivals for the title, was probably the only thing that could truly make the chase…

David Luiz Definitely Stole This Free Kick And It Was Genius

My first thought after seeing the ball fly into Liverpool’s completely undefended net after a set piece was Holy shit, what just happened? My next was Oh wow, what a great psych-out free kick routine by Chelsea there! It was only upon my third thought that the true magnitude of the situation’s brilliance dawned on me: …

Dimitri Payet Gets Out Of England While The Getting Is Good

Oh, Dimitri, we hardly knew ye—not that we were given much of a chance, seeing as your too-brief and utterly incandescent Premier League career lasted just a season and a half.

The USMNT Has A New Coach And The Same Old Problem

It doesn’t make much sense to draw sweeping conclusions about the direction of the USMNT after yesterday’s U.S. vs. Serbia match, and it wouldn’t no matter what the result was. Despite being Bruce Arena’s re-debut at the start of his second spell as USMNT manager as he ushers the team into its post-Klinsmann era and…

Bricklayer Leads Semi-Pro Sutton United To FA Cup Fifth Round

Non-league Sutton United continued its miraculous run through the FA Cup with a 1-0 win over Championship side Leeds United thanks to a penalty scored by team captain Jamie Collins, who earns a living with his day job as a bricklayer.

Arsène Wenger Banned Four Games For Pushing Referee

Arsenal will be sans grouchy zipper savant/manager Arsene Wenger for four games, after the English F.A. formally banned him this morning. Wenger was charged with misconduct on Monday for an outburst during last weekend’s win over Burnley.

English Soccer Team Produces Best, Dumbest Highlight Video For Canceled Game

Greenwich Borough FC are a tiny club that play in the Isthmian League’s Division One South. That’s the eighth division of English soccer and it’s mostly made up of semi-pro sides in London and southeast England. They played Hanwell Town yesterday, but the game was abandoned after 15 minutes due to a frozen pitch.

Granit Xhaka Interviewed By Police After Allegedly Calling Airport Worker A "Fucking White Bitch"

Arsenal midfielder Granit Xhaka was in London’s Heathrow Airport yesterday to see off his girlfriend’s brother on a flight to Germany. Things didn’t go as planned, though, and when the brother learned that he would miss his flight, Xhaka allegedly blew up on an employee of the airport, calling the woman “a fucking…

Manchester City Might Be Too Good To Become Great

That was more like it. Sure, Manchester City’s 2-2 draw against Tottenham on Saturday was on one hand frustratingly disappointing, seeing as the Citizens completely dominated Spurs and, barring some poor finishing, even worse refereeing, and a couple ill-timed defensive lapses, could’ve and should’ve been an easy City…

Ryan Mason Stable And Speaking After Breaking His Skull Going Up For A Header

Just 13 minutes into Hull City’s Premier League match against Chelsea yesterday, Hull midfielder Ryan Mason went up for a header in the box. Chelsea defender Gary Cahill rushed to intercept the ball, but instead, he smashed into Mason’s head, immediately sending him to the ground.

Borussia Dortmund Will Soon Be So Damn Good

In what has been a pretty tame January transfer window—unless Manchester United discarding spare parts gets you excited—Borussia Dortmund made perhaps the biggest splash today when they signed 17-year-old Swedish phenom Alexander Isak, along with extending the contract of the world’s future best player, Christian…

I Want Some Of What Rod Stewart Had Before The Scottish Cup Draw

May we all be so high on life and/or other substances at one point or another that the simple act of plucking ping pong balls out of a bowl can fill us with the same joy Rod Stewart felt while helping with the Scottish Cup draw.

Arsène Wenger Charged By F.A. After Pushing Referee

Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger has now been formally charged with misconduct by the English F.A. after a spat he instigated with the referees during yesterday’s Premier League match against Burnley.