Here's a Detailed Plot Description of Passengers That Should Prevent You From Ever Having to See Passengers

Let me get this out of the way: Passengers is bad. Beyond the horrific, misogynistic setup that attempts to make Stockholm Syndrome sexy, the movie (which has been in development hell for the better part of a decade) is just plain dull. Everything about it—from the easy casting of its titular lovebirds, to the cobbled-together set design of its ship, to its yawn-inducing set pieces—is uninspired. The trailers for Passengers famously (to me) didn’t know how to sell it, because Passengers is a movie that doesn’t know what it wants to be. A romcom or a sci-fi thriller? Campy or serious? It doesn’t even have the good sense to be a bad movie that’s fun to watch, it’s just a movie you can’t wait to escape. So instead of seeing Passengers this weekend, save yourself the money (and frustration) and just read this detailed plot summary of Passengers instead.

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Witness Identifies Aaron Hernandez As Shooter In 2012 Double-Homicide Drive-By

After former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for the 2013 murder of Odin Lloyd, police in Boston connected him to a 2012 drive-by in which he allegedly pulled up next to a car outside of a club, and shot into the vehicle, killing two men and leaving two survivors.

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Julian Green To Officially Begin His Career By Leaving Bayern Munich

Julian Green was never going to make it at Bayern Munich. He is a fairly promising homegrown prospect at a club that (at least historically) values integrating players developed in-house, but he’s also a not all that talented player—not enough to consistently earn developmental minutes at one of the four or five biggest clubs in the world—who still hasn’t found his natural position and hasn’t shown much of anything on the pitch to justify his continued place on Bayern’s roster. The longer Green stayed at Bayern, the more he delayed truly starting his professional career in earnest, and the lower the odds became of him eventually hitting a talent ceiling high enough to merit a surefire starting spot at a mediocre-to-good European club and a regular place in the USMNT.

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Report: CBA Has Exceptions So Harden And Westbrook Can Get Paid This Year

At first it appeared that the new CBA’s “Kevin Durant Rule,” which allows NBA teams to offer fatter contracts to keep their superstars from flirting with other options in free agency, would leave the Thunder and Rockets feeling like idiots. Last summer both teams just signed their cornerstones—Russell Westbrook and James Harden, respectively—to contract extensions, unaware that they’d have a more powerful option available if they’d waited just one year longer. Ordinarily, a player would not be able to sign contract extensions in consecutive years, but Yahoo Sports reports that the CBA has carved out specific exceptions for both of these players, because their teams’ behavior fit the spirit of the rule: keeping superstars in place.

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These Discounted Packing Cubes Include Zippable Expansions

3-Pack Gonex Expandable Packing Cubes, $16 with code BGOBW3BF

Packing cubes can make organizing clothes and toiletries for your next trip a little less hellish, and this set of three from Gonex is on sale for $16 today. We’ve seen slightly cheaper sets of cubes in the past, but this is the first I’ve seen with compression zippers.

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Dean Blandino Explains Why Yet Another Hit On Cam Newton Didn't Draw A Flag

The latest edition of What Will it Take for Cam Newton to Draw a Flag? aired on Monday night, when a scrambling Newton slid—maybe late—and got hit helmet-to-helmet—maybe glancing—by Washington LB Trent Murphy. There was a flag thrown on a play: a taunting call on Newton for flipping the football at Murphy. Yesterday, NFL VP of officiating Dean Blandino attempted to explain and justify the referee’s ruling.

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This Suspension Training Kit Deal Is Here Just In Time For New Year's Resolutions

TRX Suspension Training Kit, $100

The TRX Suspension Trainer kit can give you a full body workout in your house without the space commitment of an actual home gym, and Amazon’s marked it down to an all-time low $100, today only. If you have any fitness-focused new year’s resolutions starting soon, this will give you a fighting chance to actually achieve them.

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The Good Ol' Hockey Game Makes A Great Gift With Amazon's NHL Gear Sale

40% Off NHL Deal of the Day

Hello out there. We’re on the air. It’s Hockey Night tonight. Tension grows, the whistle blows, and the puck goes down the ice…*ahem* Sorry. Anyway, Amazon is having a sale, just in time for Christmas, on some pretty nice NHL gear. Celebrate the best game you can name with sweatshirts, tees, and some pretty nice hats, that you can only hope you’ll lose during the next game you go to.

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Iowa Refuses To Shake Hands After North Dakota, Down By 11, Tries Buzzer-Beater

With the Hawkeyes up by 11 with three seconds to play, there was no question about who was going to win tonight’s game between Iowa and North Dakota. But North Dakota forward Drick Bernstine stole the ball and tried to beat the buzzer with a little jumper anyway, and Iowa coach Fran McCaffrey was not happy. So unhappy that he walked off the court immediately, and his players followed—leaving North Dakota hanging as they waited to shake hands.

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One Player Helped Get Both Goalies Knocked Out Of The Red Wings-Lightning Game

It’s not a good night for goalies in Tampa. First came an injury to Lightning goaltender Ben Bishop, on a seemingly routine save of a shot from rookie Nick Jensen in the first period. Though the play seemed innocuous enough, Bishop soon left the game, and the team later announced that he was out with a lower-body injury and would not return.

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Video Released Of Michael Floyd Asleep At The Wheel Before His DUI Arrest

When former Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested on suspicion of DUI last week, police said they found him unconscious at the wheel of a running SUV. Today, the Scottsdale, Ariz., police department released video from the officers, showing them banging on the windows and saying aloud that they are trying to wake up Floyd. Here one clip, published by the Arizona Republic:

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DeMarcus Cousins Apologizes To Everyone Except The Sacramento Bee

A week after DeMarcus Cousins chewed out a Sacramento Bee columnist for writing about his brother—and three days after the Bee released video of the incident—the Kings center has reportedly been fined $50,000 by the NBA. He also released an apology heavy on public relations-speak:

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Giants Fined, Have Draft Pick Downgraded For Using Walkie-Talkies

During the fourth quarter of the Giants’ Week 14 win over the Cowboys, Bob McAdoo’s headset malfunctioned, causing him to begin relaying plays to quarterback Eli Mannig via walkie-talkie. The Cowboys complained, the NFL investigated, and now the Giants have been hit with a fairly hefty punishment:

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The NBA's New “Kevin Durant Rule” Will Incentivize Young Superstars To Stay Put

We knew the new CBA made life a little sweeter for the NBA’s superstars, but it’s a dense thing to parse, and explanations have been dribbling out slowly. ESPN’s new Q&A with salary cap expert Larry Coon argues that the most noteworthy development is the owners’ new weapon to keep their superstar players locked in.

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How Does One Guy Keep Winning The Eagles' Free Ticket Giveaway? 

The Eagles’ #FanFriday promotion is fairly straightforward: A few days before each home game, the team posts on Twitter a random location in and around the city (and sometimes in Jersey, which I would mock except that I’m from there) where team mascot Swoop will soon be waiting. Be the first to high-five Swoop at the designated time and place you’ll win a pair of tickets to that week’s game.

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I Yet Again Was Not Asked to Model for This Erotic Carp Calendar, But I Was Sent One

Close readers of this space will recall that for several years now, I’ve dreamed of modeling for the German Carponizer calendar, which is a calendar featuring photos of nude women posing seductively with fish. I’m sorry to share that for the third year in a row, I will not be featured in the Carponizer calendar, published by Hendrik Pöhler and available for purchase on Amazon.

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Just In Time For Holiday Photos: Crest 3D Whitestrips Are Now Cheaper Than Ever

Crest 3D White Luxe Whitestrips, $26 after $10 coupon

Let’s say you’ve already upgraded to a good toothbrush; what’s the next step for cleaner teeth? Judging by the user reviews, this 20-count box of Crest 3D Whitestrips is a great place to start. As an added bonus, you’ll even get a pair of express one-hour treatments, so you can see some improvement in time for holiday photos.

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Jalen Ramsey Is Going To Be A Beast

This season has been completely useless for the Jacksonville Jaguars. After blowing a two-touchdown lead to the Texans on Sunday for their ninth straight loss of the season, the Jags fired Gus Bradley, a bad coach everyone knew was bad a long time ago. Blake Bortles has rapidly regressed back to the point where he may need to re-learn how to throw a football, but he will probably open next season as the team’s starter anyway. Even in the sorry-ass AFC South, the Jags have been left behind by the Titans, their longtime roommates in the division basement, who may end up hosting a playoff game after two straight victories over the Broncos and Chiefs.

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Ex-UConn Soccer Player Sues School After Losing Scholarship Over Middle Finger

In 2014, then-UConn women’s soccer freshman Noriana Radwan flipped off the ESPNU camera in a fit of excitement after the Huskies won their conference championship. I don’t think it reveals too much bias to say the act was, however shocking (not that shocking), effectively harmless.

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